The Lurking Imposter

My Imposter seems invincible. No matter what I do, it returns to haunt me. But I’ve been thinking about that side of myself differently.

Here are some things my Imposter says to me:

• You’re not smart enough to run your own business.

• Just stay in bed, you don’t need to push yourself.

• Maybe you’re not as good an artist or designer as you think you are?

• Everything about you is embarrassing.

• You’re too old for anyone to care about..

• Why would someone want what you’ve made?

• Everyone thinks you’re a joke.

When I face these thoughts it’s extra-challenging to stay creative. And all these “why-bother” feelings walk through the door of my brain like a bunch of squatters saying “Ok, we live here now.”

My Imposter uses different powers against me. Embarrassment was the first. In grade / high school I was embarrassed about everything – my worn clothes, being bullied, my haircut, etc. In college I was struck with a sense of Shame. The small art college I attended was what I could afford, but it was a school that was not well-spoken of. Eventually that school was shut down for predatory lending practices. I was left standing with work I was proud of, but a degree from a college I was not.

Self-Doubt is the most common challenge I face. Someone once said: “You’ll do great things if you ever stop second-guessing yourself.” I’m striving every day to work on that. The tricky part is understanding the difference between real limitations and self-imposed ones.

You find Imposter Eric disturbing? Imagine how I feel.

Knowing the Signs

My Imposter appears like a thundercloud. It casts a dark spell over my outlook. I feel a sense of creative unease. There’s confusion about which objective to focus on next and what goals to pursue. Then, everything I watch or read seems to challenge my thinking further. I start spiraling: Am I just watching and reading too much online? Or is it just the Imposter’s influence? Am I doing this or that with the right motives? I think I am, but what if I’m not???

This podcast was hugely helpful recently. It’s one of the most real episodes about the topic of imposter syndrome I’ve run across. Kristi’s a printmaker and artist. I’ve enjoyed the approachability of her YouTube channel and the way she’s focused on creativity, without lots of hype-speak, sensationalized video titles, and click-baitey thumbnails.

The thing is, when I’m going through a bout of indecision, it’s usually related to feelings of inadequacy. Mostly connected to being the “business guy” I need to be. Meanwhile, the artist I am is left standing with his hands outstretched wondering what we’re doing. But after a couple days, I’m myself again. Back to making some progress and feeling capable again. It’s a cycle.

What is Enough?

Working on ourselves is a life-long effort. At my age, I’d like to think I have a healthy measure of confidence in who I am. I still have potential to grow in my career and lots of work experience. But no matter how prepared or strong I feel, trying to run a successful small business in this economy seems like a lesson in futility.

Markets are oversaturated. Greed-driven AI-slop is spreading. Searching for commissions online is more about not getting scammed than actually interacting with real, potential clients. And making fun products that bring people together for shared experiences, almost doesn’t matter unless you have thousands to spend on ads to reach an audience. Obscurity is a vast void.

As a business owner, I want to make enough money to thrive. Enough to save some, cover necessities, and have a little left to enjoy a trip or two. But here’s the question: What does it mean to have enough when we’re all one life reality away from not having enough?

When planning feels impossible, my Imposter whispers: “See, why bother?”

The Resistance

I grew up a child of worry, the oldest of seven. Our house was small. Three bedrooms, one bathroom. For my parents it was worries over creditors, feeding seven kids, utility bills, would the swamp cooler die this summer, school lunches, health care, end-of-world scenarios. That’s a lot of worry to expose children to. Not to mention having my own worries.

Some say love grows best in small houses. It turns out worry does too. But over time, through practice and help from others, I learned how to clear my head and keep going in a forward-ish direction.

Here’s some things I do to keep going:

1 – Take a Break (or two)

I recently took two weeks away from business stuff. I put down my social apps, ignored YouTube, and stepped away from podcasts. I silenced alerts on my phone. Instead I played games with my friends, read books, and watched some inspiring documentaries (LOVE Jodorowsky’s Dune, super-inspiring). I spent time writing and drew in my sketchbook while listening to music. I also did some meditating, which helped me break down my bad thoughts until I saw them for what they are – useless.

(BTW - Even though I take breaks, I strive to focus when I’m working. I avoid multi-tasking and trying to do too much at once. From my experience corporate-side and talking with other business owners, multitasking is a big reason why we not only burn out, but deal with physical / mental illness as well.)

2 – Review Accomplishments

My Imposter loves to remind me of my failings. So, I know I need to focus on my accomplishments. I took stock of what I got done during 2025. It was a lot. I posted about it here. When imposter syndrome strikes, review what is going well. No matter how small or large. No matter whether you make things for sale or personal well-being. Our success as creatives is not solely defined by ongoing patronage, or accolades, or promotions, or more client work.

Success is about everything. Including our dominant mindset, the way we treat others, and most importantly our determination to grow.

3 – Hold on to Humor

We all have a figurative reset button – laughter. A world (or person) without laughter is a dark place indeed. When I struggle with my Imposter, I start rewatching shows that made me laugh as a kid. I watch funny movies and listen to comedians. Laughter reframes everything. This world we live is soaked in human stupidity – constant buy-now ads, puppet politicians, click-bait marketing, etc. I mean, I’m pretty sure this planet would be better off without us. I know animals would be.

What does it all mean? In part, it means not taking ourselves or others too seriously. I feel good when I laugh. I feel a bit better, stronger, more resilient. No surprise – my Imposter hates when I laugh.

Sympathy for the Specter

Maybe my Imposter is a seasonal lurker? Coming around at the end of the year? When things get cold, and quiet. When I recall lost loved ones, or past friends, and / or unrealized dreams???

Or perhaps the Imposters existence is a necessary part of my own. It appears and disappears, serving as a reminder to waste less time and build more creative toughness.

My Imposter cannot be destroyed. And maybe that’s fine. Because there’s also a chance my Imposter is an echo of the child I once was. A wandering, cerebral entity in search of comfort. The kind of comfort I give by persisting as the artist I am.

–E

The Only Way

Our troubled reality is too big for us to solve as creatives. But we can come together.

Ok, what I’m about to say may feel bad in its realism.

No matter the country, citizens feel lost and neglected by rulership. Candidates present shiny, yet hollow promises. Political rhetoric is lofty, but power corrupts as it always has. And division seems to come standard in so much of our culture. As long as peace, dignity, justice and security for all elude humanity, there will always be those who are marginalized and oppressed.

So, how does a good soul survive? Give up on creative pursuits? Live out angry, bitter lives? We come together. Because it’s the only way left for reasoning, thinking people.

Questions for humans

Let’s ponder some things, just for a minute.

Can we agree harming another person through words and/or deeds is wrong? That projecting hurt only breeds hate and causes us more hurt in turn? And that it’s a show of strength when we seek forgiveness for our mistakes? We agree on that.

Can we agree disagreement isn’t hate? Having differing views is part of the live-and-let-live values most claim to have. So how then does disagreeing with someone become a reason to wish others ill, incite violence or worse? Does it have to be that way? It doesn’t.

And, can we agree any extreme view is likely harmful to ourselves, our families, our communities? We live in a world of subtlety and nuance. Just as the natural world is diverse, complex and mysterious, people are equally so. At times we’re all insecure and vulnerable even in our most confident moments. Can we pursue more balance in our views? We can.

Everyone has their own answers to these questions. Most would agree bringing good into the world is important. For our families and children. But it takes conviction and patience to champion this. That’s why so it’s difficult.

Reasons to believe

• People are mostly good. When a neighbor’s house is on fire, even the grumpiest guy on the block will act to help someone. Most want to do what’s right, even if that’s not the message online. Not everyone in our neighborhood is a rage monster.

• Perspective helps a ton. Just because vocal minorities scream, shout and demean others online, doesn’t mean we have to buy-in to their approach or spend time viewing their “content.” We choose what’s important to us.

• Listening still helps. Letting a neighbor vent may be tough in the moment, but what if it makes them feel listened to? Ask questions. Ask them how they feel things might be better right here, in your community, on your street. Let them speak.

• Creatives support each other. As creative individuals, think about the talents and skills we have. Isn’t it awesome to get to make our ideas happen? No matter how big or small? Encouraging fellow artists of all ages spreads goodwill.

• We aren’t born bullies. Someone once said “hurt people, hurt people.” It’s true. It’s also true that not all those who mock and intimidate others will listen to reason. But some will. Can we be a force for reason in our community?

• Most want peace. We all know living a life dominated by rage and conflict contributes to bad health, broken relationships, lost wages, unrealized dreams and ultimately an untimely end. (Research* it.) Help someone breathe easier when possible.

• Words heal too. Much of online culture is about toxicity, hurtful gossip and words used to tear down. But the time we spend with people in search of common ground and understanding, is golden. Think of your favorite person as a kid. It was likely someone who helped you and made you feel better. What if we could be that person for someone?

I think a lot about these things, but don’t have all the answers. And with the way things are, I’m trying to remember others don’t have all the answers either. I just know we’re all in need of something we can only get by coming together and seeking to humanize each other. And we need it now.

The days ahead

What does “coming together” look like? Practically speaking, it means doing more in-person events. Such as the recent Family Funday I participated in at Phoenix Art Museum. It was great getting to talk to others while drawing and hearing their stories. It also means hosting some free and ticketed events of my own. Virtually too. Making chances to chat and connect with others for real.

You see, the days ahead will be what we make of them. (Mostly.) Sure, good and not-good things will continue to happen. Socially. Politically. Economically. Those things aren’t us, but they do happen around us and to us. ALL of us.

So let’s keep giving others some grace. Let’s smile once and a while for what we have as creatives. Let’s go out of our way for someone now and then. Our communities need it. And together is the only way we’re gonna make it.

–E

*BTW – This 2006 article about anger is helpful when it comes to outlining the damage anger does. “The hostile heart, is a vulnerable one.”

Nonsense as a Path

If you walk this way, you’ll see some stuff.

Remember that time in Wonderland when Alice said: “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.” We live in that world. Everything is nonsense. Examples:

• Commuting an hour to work on-site and “connect with others”, only to type away at a keyboard with headphones on. In a cozy little work silo. With only an occasional chat about movies or whatev with Ken from accounting.

• Having our biases confirmed about everything and ignoring anything factual that challenges those biases. And smiling through it all. With glazed over eyes.

• Eating durian fruit when we could be eating perfectly good seedless grapes! Durian? Really?

• Warring with other countries to take their resources to pollute the world further to build things that generate more waste to bring all the problems of the world to our phones. So we can read about how the world is on fire every morning.

• “Reality” TV. (Imagine two sets of semi-truck sized air quotes there.)

• We are made of molecules. Yeah. It’s crazy.

• Many other things. You get it.

Embracing nonsense

All of that, is why things like writing fiction, doodling, and dreaming up random worlds to explore are not so nonsensical to me. Tabletop games are another favorite of mine. The thing is truth is stranger than fiction. Still. After all these years of people saying that. That’s why at some point in my growth, I’m guessing around 4th grade, I decided to go all-in on nonsense.

So you’re creative. You want more nonsense in your life. The kind of creative nonsense that might come in handy for your business OR that just might make you a happier person. A few things:

1. Smile and wave – Especially when someone doesn’t get your art or your stories or that ironically-meta sticker collection you’re working on. You’re you. You’re a bit weird. You’ve probably always been. No one should be surprised.

2. Focus on your unique perspective – Walking the path of nonsense is about what you can bring to the table. You know, that Mad Hatter tea-party table in Wonderland? Where everything was just bonkers? Being yourself will not make sense to some. That’s the goal.

3. Have some tea – Speaking of tea parties, meet up with other friends of nonsense. For real or imaginary tea! Discuss how nonsense can be of help to others – children, students and the young at heart. How can nonsense bring a smile or a bit of joy to someone? Then do those things. Collaborate on them. Who knows what might happen.

Reality is nonsense

If true creativity is about the absence of fear, we can be unafraid of having our work labelled as “nonsense”. All our oddities or goofimisims as I like to call them, only serve to make us more unique. What makes us unique grants us freedom. And we can use that freedom to push ourselves and the tools we use to be more creative. I guess it’s like this ecosystem we can make for ourselves.

Kinda makes sense. Right?

–E